Memories About My Daddy

When I was little, both of my parents worked a lot. My father had a highly respectable job. But he was always busy. He often had to travel in the country and sometimes to another country. The figure of the father in my mind when I was a child has always been vague.

When I started middle school, my mom quit her job and my dad became the only financial support in our family. My mother had been since when I was in elementary school. During that time, my father took care of me.

“I am both the mom and the dad.” He often said that during that time. Dad didn’t like cooking much. I have always enjoyed eating out with him. There’s always something special about father that no mother can replace. He often takes me to my favorite fast food restaurant, which was MacDonald’s at the time, and ask me to go up to the cashier and order for him as well.

I was a very shy kid. But I am glad that my dad had made me do that because I slowly became more confident when ordering my favorite burger without panicking, plus, I get to keep the change.

My mom never let me had fast food, soda, or unhealthy snacks when I was a kid. So usually, times when dad is usually “cheat meals”. Last summer, when I went back to visit my family, I ask if I could have some alone time with my dad. He took me to McDonald’s again, and ask me to go up and order his favorite burger and a cone. Still, I get to keep the change.

We talked about life and all the things that we went through in the past year. But it always reminded me of how it was the same McDonald that my dad used to take me when I was just a child.

Though he did make a lot of mistakes, nobody’s perfect and I like him just the way he is. My dad often said that daughters are the lovers from the last life. I am glad that I turned out the way I am and that he is who he is. 

How Our Childhood Shape The Way We Are Today

There’s once a video that I have watched called “How Our Childhoods Affect Our Adult Lives”. In this video, it talked about no one can escape the inevitable mistakes here and there made by our parents when we were a child.

When we were a kid, we didn’t understand that the scold from father might be because of a difficult day at work for him. We didn’t know that the arguments between parents are normal no matter how much they love one another. We didn’t understand the time when we were left out at the parking lot that parents are just human like us. Instead, when we were children, our world trembled when they accused us of a mistake we made, the earth shattered when we heard our parents fighting.

We were helpless and vulnerable. In this childhood open prison, our dress codes were made, our schedules were arranged, who we hang out with were decided. However, unfortunately, the person that take cares of us are flawed. And most likely, had a tricky early child history as well. They were once a child like we were.

Then we grew up to be controlling because we were once neglected, we became over-achiever because we were once scolded that we were a failure, we became overly clingy to our partner because we were afraid of people leaving us.

The effect that childhood has for us is subtle yet when examined closely, the person we are today because of what our parents did or didn’t do, is made. It didn’t have to be a huge evil act, it didn’t have to be an extremely traumatic experience, however, in our once fragile and vulnerable body and mind, we were completely at the hand of our parents. 

What we needed to understand is that there are no 30 days free trial for parenting. We are all, just like our parents once were, trying to do our best in the midst of our own error that is deep drilled into us. Until then, maybe we will better appreciate the life that we have, and that maybe, we turned out to be okay. 

Why You Should Marry Yourself

I have once read a Ted talk called “The Person You Really Need to Marry” by Tracy McMillan. Tracy is a three times divorcee. The reason she had three failed married, she said, “What that’s supposed to mean is that I’m a total failure at relationships. And that is one way to look at it, but not the only way.”

She continues, “Because what I think really happened is that I kept marrying the wrong person. No, it’s not that I didn’t — it’s not that I chose bad guys. My first two husbands were amazing men who are now married to wonderful women who aren’t me.” Her third husband cheated on her a few months into their marriage with a girl that’s 20 years younger than her. Then finally, she has realized that the person she needs to marry is, herself.

She talked about how she had a difficult childhood. She has been in two dozen different foster families since she’s three years old. Her dad was a drug dealer and a pimp. Her mom was a prostitute and an alcoholic. What she has learned is that she will never be left ever again. That’s why she got married.

However, she soon realized that the marriage with the first husband wasn’t what she wanted. Neither is the second. And definitely not the third. Finally, she realized that the void she has been trying to fill all her life will always be missing if she doesn’t marry herself.

The idea of marrying yourself, she said, it would be that you enter into a relationship with yourself and then you put a ring on it. In other words, you commit to yourself fully. And then you build a relationship with yourself to the point where you realize that you’re whole right now, that there is no man, woman, job, a circumstance that can happen to you that’s going to make you more whole because you already are. And this changes your life.”

And the vows you have with yourself when you’re getting married, are these three: first, “you are going to marry yourself for richer or for poorer. This means you are going to love yourself right where you are.” Second, “you are going to marry yourself for better or for worse. What this means is that most of us are willing to love ourselves for better.” Third, “you marry yourself in sickness and in health. So what this means is that you forgive yourself for your mistakes.” She said, “a mistake isn’t actually a failure unless you don’t learn from it and unless you don’t grow.” Lastly, “you marry yourself — when you marry yourself, it’s to have and to hold yourself.”

Until then, you will be fulfilled, not by a marriage, not by jobs, but by yourself. 

Why Does People Have Affairs?

I have always been curious about the reasons people have affairs.

Some people think that it’s lust, some think that it’s just pure nastiness. However, there might be deeper reasons for why one might have affairs.

In one of the videos by “The School of Life”, it explained that the reason why people have affairs is a problem of closeness and distance. According to the video, people usually enter into relationships with a different level of closeness and distance. There’s always a partner that can be label as “cold” and another “clingy”. Though it’s great to have intimacy such as cuddle and hair stroking, there’s always a need to distance so we don’t feel like being “owned” by the other person. And usually, that’s how affairs happened when there’s an imbalance between closeness and distance.

Scenario one, within a relationship, one person feels a loss of identity and completely being dissolved the idea of “us”. Therefore, one might feel the need to know that they are socially desirable to the world, not just to their partner. Having an affair with someone else makes them feel safe and that they are still having an identity.

Scenario two, within a relationship, one person feels rejected by the other because of his/her clinginess. When they try to touch their partner, the other pull away or sign. When they try to talk to them about a personal matter, the other quickly change the topic. Sooner or later, one might feel ashamed or embarrassed because they want more than what they are getting. Therefore, they enter into an affair, not because they don’t love their partner, but the opposite. They want something else to prove that they are acceptable, loveable and that they are okay.

Either way, it can be resolved if we adjust the degree of closeness and distance between the relationship through communication and love. Communication is essential to an open and honest relationship.

However, Heavenly Father wants us to be faithful and loving. Any relationship has problems. Any relationship gets boring after a while. If one doesn’t feed their relationship, it’s like fire without the fuel, it slowly dies. Therefore, it’s important to go on romantic dinner dates, vacation, and create surprises and maintain the love for one another.

Someone once told me that life could be really boring until you make it fun. A relationship can be boring too after a while until you cherish it and help it grow. 

"It's Not About The Nail!"

I have once seen a short film by Jason Headley called “It’s not about the nail”. The film is about this couple who have a gap in communication because of the difference between men and women or people in general. At the beginning of the film, the couple was sitting on the couch and we can see a nail on the woman’s forehead. The woman started to complain how her head always hurt and her fear that the pain will never stop. Then the man said, “Ya. Wha-you do have a nail in your head.” The woman got mad and told him, “It’s not about the nail. Stop trying to fix it.” However, the man continues on saying, “I am just pointing out that maybe the nail is causing the pain…” Then the woman snapped and said, “you always do this, all I need you to do is listen.” So finally, the man said fine, he will listen. The woman started to describe the pain and frustration of how she couldn’t sleep well at night and all her sweaters are snagged. The man said, “That sounds really hard.” And the woman felt so understood and relieved that she went in for a kiss, then the nail bump into the man’s forehead. The man said, “Oh come on! If you would just…” “Don’t!” The woman interrupted him.

In this funny little film that my counselor once showed me, I have learned how sometimes our problems is that we are so eager to fix than to listen. This problem might cause by the discomfort that the listener feels when the speaker describes his or her feelings. Then we immediately trying to suggest a solution in order to eliminate our discomfort that’s produced by other’s negative emotions.

We can also easily make the speaker feels invalidated by trying to fix the problem. Because everyone is different, though we can try to empathize with other’s feelings and thoughts, we may never be able to fully understand someone. Therefore, it’s important for us to listen and to empathize, not for the purpose of having the problem to go away, but rather, having the humanity for one another that we may connect and love.

It’s so easy, especially in marriage, to lose patience for one another. We simply think that we know the other well enough that we know what’s best for them. However, knowing how Christ always listens and empathize with us though he has perfect knowledge of everything we are going through and all our characteristic, he remains humble and a great example that we should strive to be. 

Why Love is Never as Nice as It Should Be

       I have read a talk by a British philosopher Alain De Botton, who once said in his book “The Course of Love”, “Perhaps it is true that we do not really exist until there is someone there to see us existing, we cannot properly speak until there is someone who can understand what we are saying in essence, we are not wholly alive until we are loved.”

       It’s a wonderful thing to be in love. The reunion of two lost souls and the longing of two warming hearts made lives seems so joyful yet reassuring. However, as flawed human beings, there are things we need to know and learn before we set ourselves up for the grand romance.

       First of all, as Botton pointed out, that our idea for love is ruined by modern-day romantic fiction. The glance of a girl that makes a guy drool while she slow-motionly turns away her head, the tickling warming feeling inside your heart that is too complex and magical to describe, the quitting jobs and running away to Paris in the name of love, gives us the social script of how love should be. So we panic when we don’t instantly fall in love with someone at first sight, we hesitant when we realize our partner isn’t perfect and fart in bed, we doubt ourselves if we are really in love when we sometimes loses the passion that we first have for our partner.

       However, love is not just the indescribable feeling, but more importantly, a skill that we need to learn. Botton suggested that love is a classroom rather than a fairy tale. We need to first have self-awareness and know all the flaws we have and the baggages that come from the failure of our caregiver here and there. We need to be well aware and fully knowledgeable of our past knowing our partner comes with baggages too. Until then, we can learn to love with forgiveness and empathy of their mistakes while they supposed to know us perfectly when they have reminded us of the longing for a distant mother or the fear for an angry father that we once experienced. And then, can we see the once fragile child in them and in us.

       We need be the teacher as well as the student in marriage. Though it’s important for them to “love us as we are”, when they ask you to pick up the dirty towel off the bathroom floor, they are only teaching you to be the best version of yourself.

       

"How to Avoid Falling in Love with A Jerk"

       When I read the book “How to Avoid Falling in Love with A Jerk”, I was surprised by how true the Relationship Attachment Model (RAM) is. In RAM, there are five stages of the relationship; Know, Trust, Rely, Commit, Touch. Each stage needs to be fulfilled to some degree in order to move on to the next. For example, you need to know someone enough to trust, then rely on them, and so forth. However, if someone has a higher level of commitment or touch before they know or trust someone, it wouldn’t be a healthy relationship.

       As I reflect on my past experience, it makes sense. It almost seems like common sense that two people first get to “know” each other and become friends before they commit into a relationship or more importantly, “touch”. However, because of the pressure of getting married is so high in the culture of BYUI, I have seen lots of couple gets married after two weeks of meeting each other.

       Moreover, the early stages of getting to know someone you’re attracted to can easily feel like you “know” each other deeply very soon. It’s not particularly helpful in the relationship because the chemical can disguise us of the things we haven’t yet seen in the other person.

       I have once heard a professor that told us that though it’s definitely important to follow the holy spirit while dating, if someone told you they prayed and received the revelation that you guys should get married while you barely started dating, if you don’t receive the same revelation, don’t marry him (or her). Just a piece of advice for byui students.

       In my psychology class, I have learned that attachment model is also very important. Our attachment model started to form while we were an infant and develop as we grow older. However, our early years of attachment style with our primary care giver pre-determined our attachment style of life, though it’s still possible to change later. There are four types of attachment styles. The first being anxious attachment, which they might seem overly anxious when they perceive themselves being abandon or reject by their parents and appear “cligy” or “needy”. In avoidant attachment, they could seem like they keep people at arm length, they’re afraid of commitment and they seem distant. In disorganize attachment, it’s a mixture of both anxious and avoidant attachment. Finally, secure attachment style, is what you want yourself to be in and what you want to look for in a partner. They are neither cligy nor distant, but caring and have healthy boundaries at the same time.