"How to Avoid Falling in Love with A Jerk"

       When I read the book “How to Avoid Falling in Love with A Jerk”, I was surprised by how true the Relationship Attachment Model (RAM) is. In RAM, there are five stages of the relationship; Know, Trust, Rely, Commit, Touch. Each stage needs to be fulfilled to some degree in order to move on to the next. For example, you need to know someone enough to trust, then rely on them, and so forth. However, if someone has a higher level of commitment or touch before they know or trust someone, it wouldn’t be a healthy relationship.

       As I reflect on my past experience, it makes sense. It almost seems like common sense that two people first get to “know” each other and become friends before they commit into a relationship or more importantly, “touch”. However, because of the pressure of getting married is so high in the culture of BYUI, I have seen lots of couple gets married after two weeks of meeting each other.

       Moreover, the early stages of getting to know someone you’re attracted to can easily feel like you “know” each other deeply very soon. It’s not particularly helpful in the relationship because the chemical can disguise us of the things we haven’t yet seen in the other person.

       I have once heard a professor that told us that though it’s definitely important to follow the holy spirit while dating, if someone told you they prayed and received the revelation that you guys should get married while you barely started dating, if you don’t receive the same revelation, don’t marry him (or her). Just a piece of advice for byui students.

       In my psychology class, I have learned that attachment model is also very important. Our attachment model started to form while we were an infant and develop as we grow older. However, our early years of attachment style with our primary care giver pre-determined our attachment style of life, though it’s still possible to change later. There are four types of attachment styles. The first being anxious attachment, which they might seem overly anxious when they perceive themselves being abandon or reject by their parents and appear “cligy” or “needy”. In avoidant attachment, they could seem like they keep people at arm length, they’re afraid of commitment and they seem distant. In disorganize attachment, it’s a mixture of both anxious and avoidant attachment. Finally, secure attachment style, is what you want yourself to be in and what you want to look for in a partner. They are neither cligy nor distant, but caring and have healthy boundaries at the same time.