Memories About My Daddy

When I was little, both of my parents worked a lot. My father had a highly respectable job. But he was always busy. He often had to travel in the country and sometimes to another country. The figure of the father in my mind when I was a child has always been vague.

When I started middle school, my mom quit her job and my dad became the only financial support in our family. My mother had been since when I was in elementary school. During that time, my father took care of me.

“I am both the mom and the dad.” He often said that during that time. Dad didn’t like cooking much. I have always enjoyed eating out with him. There’s always something special about father that no mother can replace. He often takes me to my favorite fast food restaurant, which was MacDonald’s at the time, and ask me to go up to the cashier and order for him as well.

I was a very shy kid. But I am glad that my dad had made me do that because I slowly became more confident when ordering my favorite burger without panicking, plus, I get to keep the change.

My mom never let me had fast food, soda, or unhealthy snacks when I was a kid. So usually, times when dad is usually “cheat meals”. Last summer, when I went back to visit my family, I ask if I could have some alone time with my dad. He took me to McDonald’s again, and ask me to go up and order his favorite burger and a cone. Still, I get to keep the change.

We talked about life and all the things that we went through in the past year. But it always reminded me of how it was the same McDonald that my dad used to take me when I was just a child.

Though he did make a lot of mistakes, nobody’s perfect and I like him just the way he is. My dad often said that daughters are the lovers from the last life. I am glad that I turned out the way I am and that he is who he is. 

How Our Childhood Shape The Way We Are Today

There’s once a video that I have watched called “How Our Childhoods Affect Our Adult Lives”. In this video, it talked about no one can escape the inevitable mistakes here and there made by our parents when we were a child.

When we were a kid, we didn’t understand that the scold from father might be because of a difficult day at work for him. We didn’t know that the arguments between parents are normal no matter how much they love one another. We didn’t understand the time when we were left out at the parking lot that parents are just human like us. Instead, when we were children, our world trembled when they accused us of a mistake we made, the earth shattered when we heard our parents fighting.

We were helpless and vulnerable. In this childhood open prison, our dress codes were made, our schedules were arranged, who we hang out with were decided. However, unfortunately, the person that take cares of us are flawed. And most likely, had a tricky early child history as well. They were once a child like we were.

Then we grew up to be controlling because we were once neglected, we became over-achiever because we were once scolded that we were a failure, we became overly clingy to our partner because we were afraid of people leaving us.

The effect that childhood has for us is subtle yet when examined closely, the person we are today because of what our parents did or didn’t do, is made. It didn’t have to be a huge evil act, it didn’t have to be an extremely traumatic experience, however, in our once fragile and vulnerable body and mind, we were completely at the hand of our parents. 

What we needed to understand is that there are no 30 days free trial for parenting. We are all, just like our parents once were, trying to do our best in the midst of our own error that is deep drilled into us. Until then, maybe we will better appreciate the life that we have, and that maybe, we turned out to be okay. 

Why You Should Marry Yourself

I have once read a Ted talk called “The Person You Really Need to Marry” by Tracy McMillan. Tracy is a three times divorcee. The reason she had three failed married, she said, “What that’s supposed to mean is that I’m a total failure at relationships. And that is one way to look at it, but not the only way.”

She continues, “Because what I think really happened is that I kept marrying the wrong person. No, it’s not that I didn’t — it’s not that I chose bad guys. My first two husbands were amazing men who are now married to wonderful women who aren’t me.” Her third husband cheated on her a few months into their marriage with a girl that’s 20 years younger than her. Then finally, she has realized that the person she needs to marry is, herself.

She talked about how she had a difficult childhood. She has been in two dozen different foster families since she’s three years old. Her dad was a drug dealer and a pimp. Her mom was a prostitute and an alcoholic. What she has learned is that she will never be left ever again. That’s why she got married.

However, she soon realized that the marriage with the first husband wasn’t what she wanted. Neither is the second. And definitely not the third. Finally, she realized that the void she has been trying to fill all her life will always be missing if she doesn’t marry herself.

The idea of marrying yourself, she said, it would be that you enter into a relationship with yourself and then you put a ring on it. In other words, you commit to yourself fully. And then you build a relationship with yourself to the point where you realize that you’re whole right now, that there is no man, woman, job, a circumstance that can happen to you that’s going to make you more whole because you already are. And this changes your life.”

And the vows you have with yourself when you’re getting married, are these three: first, “you are going to marry yourself for richer or for poorer. This means you are going to love yourself right where you are.” Second, “you are going to marry yourself for better or for worse. What this means is that most of us are willing to love ourselves for better.” Third, “you marry yourself in sickness and in health. So what this means is that you forgive yourself for your mistakes.” She said, “a mistake isn’t actually a failure unless you don’t learn from it and unless you don’t grow.” Lastly, “you marry yourself — when you marry yourself, it’s to have and to hold yourself.”

Until then, you will be fulfilled, not by a marriage, not by jobs, but by yourself. 

Why Does People Have Affairs?

I have always been curious about the reasons people have affairs.

Some people think that it’s lust, some think that it’s just pure nastiness. However, there might be deeper reasons for why one might have affairs.

In one of the videos by “The School of Life”, it explained that the reason why people have affairs is a problem of closeness and distance. According to the video, people usually enter into relationships with a different level of closeness and distance. There’s always a partner that can be label as “cold” and another “clingy”. Though it’s great to have intimacy such as cuddle and hair stroking, there’s always a need to distance so we don’t feel like being “owned” by the other person. And usually, that’s how affairs happened when there’s an imbalance between closeness and distance.

Scenario one, within a relationship, one person feels a loss of identity and completely being dissolved the idea of “us”. Therefore, one might feel the need to know that they are socially desirable to the world, not just to their partner. Having an affair with someone else makes them feel safe and that they are still having an identity.

Scenario two, within a relationship, one person feels rejected by the other because of his/her clinginess. When they try to touch their partner, the other pull away or sign. When they try to talk to them about a personal matter, the other quickly change the topic. Sooner or later, one might feel ashamed or embarrassed because they want more than what they are getting. Therefore, they enter into an affair, not because they don’t love their partner, but the opposite. They want something else to prove that they are acceptable, loveable and that they are okay.

Either way, it can be resolved if we adjust the degree of closeness and distance between the relationship through communication and love. Communication is essential to an open and honest relationship.

However, Heavenly Father wants us to be faithful and loving. Any relationship has problems. Any relationship gets boring after a while. If one doesn’t feed their relationship, it’s like fire without the fuel, it slowly dies. Therefore, it’s important to go on romantic dinner dates, vacation, and create surprises and maintain the love for one another.

Someone once told me that life could be really boring until you make it fun. A relationship can be boring too after a while until you cherish it and help it grow. 

"It's Not About The Nail!"

I have once seen a short film by Jason Headley called “It’s not about the nail”. The film is about this couple who have a gap in communication because of the difference between men and women or people in general. At the beginning of the film, the couple was sitting on the couch and we can see a nail on the woman’s forehead. The woman started to complain how her head always hurt and her fear that the pain will never stop. Then the man said, “Ya. Wha-you do have a nail in your head.” The woman got mad and told him, “It’s not about the nail. Stop trying to fix it.” However, the man continues on saying, “I am just pointing out that maybe the nail is causing the pain…” Then the woman snapped and said, “you always do this, all I need you to do is listen.” So finally, the man said fine, he will listen. The woman started to describe the pain and frustration of how she couldn’t sleep well at night and all her sweaters are snagged. The man said, “That sounds really hard.” And the woman felt so understood and relieved that she went in for a kiss, then the nail bump into the man’s forehead. The man said, “Oh come on! If you would just…” “Don’t!” The woman interrupted him.

In this funny little film that my counselor once showed me, I have learned how sometimes our problems is that we are so eager to fix than to listen. This problem might cause by the discomfort that the listener feels when the speaker describes his or her feelings. Then we immediately trying to suggest a solution in order to eliminate our discomfort that’s produced by other’s negative emotions.

We can also easily make the speaker feels invalidated by trying to fix the problem. Because everyone is different, though we can try to empathize with other’s feelings and thoughts, we may never be able to fully understand someone. Therefore, it’s important for us to listen and to empathize, not for the purpose of having the problem to go away, but rather, having the humanity for one another that we may connect and love.

It’s so easy, especially in marriage, to lose patience for one another. We simply think that we know the other well enough that we know what’s best for them. However, knowing how Christ always listens and empathize with us though he has perfect knowledge of everything we are going through and all our characteristic, he remains humble and a great example that we should strive to be. 

Why Love is Never as Nice as It Should Be

       I have read a talk by a British philosopher Alain De Botton, who once said in his book “The Course of Love”, “Perhaps it is true that we do not really exist until there is someone there to see us existing, we cannot properly speak until there is someone who can understand what we are saying in essence, we are not wholly alive until we are loved.”

       It’s a wonderful thing to be in love. The reunion of two lost souls and the longing of two warming hearts made lives seems so joyful yet reassuring. However, as flawed human beings, there are things we need to know and learn before we set ourselves up for the grand romance.

       First of all, as Botton pointed out, that our idea for love is ruined by modern-day romantic fiction. The glance of a girl that makes a guy drool while she slow-motionly turns away her head, the tickling warming feeling inside your heart that is too complex and magical to describe, the quitting jobs and running away to Paris in the name of love, gives us the social script of how love should be. So we panic when we don’t instantly fall in love with someone at first sight, we hesitant when we realize our partner isn’t perfect and fart in bed, we doubt ourselves if we are really in love when we sometimes loses the passion that we first have for our partner.

       However, love is not just the indescribable feeling, but more importantly, a skill that we need to learn. Botton suggested that love is a classroom rather than a fairy tale. We need to first have self-awareness and know all the flaws we have and the baggages that come from the failure of our caregiver here and there. We need to be well aware and fully knowledgeable of our past knowing our partner comes with baggages too. Until then, we can learn to love with forgiveness and empathy of their mistakes while they supposed to know us perfectly when they have reminded us of the longing for a distant mother or the fear for an angry father that we once experienced. And then, can we see the once fragile child in them and in us.

       We need be the teacher as well as the student in marriage. Though it’s important for them to “love us as we are”, when they ask you to pick up the dirty towel off the bathroom floor, they are only teaching you to be the best version of yourself.

       

"How to Avoid Falling in Love with A Jerk"

       When I read the book “How to Avoid Falling in Love with A Jerk”, I was surprised by how true the Relationship Attachment Model (RAM) is. In RAM, there are five stages of the relationship; Know, Trust, Rely, Commit, Touch. Each stage needs to be fulfilled to some degree in order to move on to the next. For example, you need to know someone enough to trust, then rely on them, and so forth. However, if someone has a higher level of commitment or touch before they know or trust someone, it wouldn’t be a healthy relationship.

       As I reflect on my past experience, it makes sense. It almost seems like common sense that two people first get to “know” each other and become friends before they commit into a relationship or more importantly, “touch”. However, because of the pressure of getting married is so high in the culture of BYUI, I have seen lots of couple gets married after two weeks of meeting each other.

       Moreover, the early stages of getting to know someone you’re attracted to can easily feel like you “know” each other deeply very soon. It’s not particularly helpful in the relationship because the chemical can disguise us of the things we haven’t yet seen in the other person.

       I have once heard a professor that told us that though it’s definitely important to follow the holy spirit while dating, if someone told you they prayed and received the revelation that you guys should get married while you barely started dating, if you don’t receive the same revelation, don’t marry him (or her). Just a piece of advice for byui students.

       In my psychology class, I have learned that attachment model is also very important. Our attachment model started to form while we were an infant and develop as we grow older. However, our early years of attachment style with our primary care giver pre-determined our attachment style of life, though it’s still possible to change later. There are four types of attachment styles. The first being anxious attachment, which they might seem overly anxious when they perceive themselves being abandon or reject by their parents and appear “cligy” or “needy”. In avoidant attachment, they could seem like they keep people at arm length, they’re afraid of commitment and they seem distant. In disorganize attachment, it’s a mixture of both anxious and avoidant attachment. Finally, secure attachment style, is what you want yourself to be in and what you want to look for in a partner. They are neither cligy nor distant, but caring and have healthy boundaries at the same time. 

Societal Trends and family

       When I went back to China for the summer, I was talking to an old friend of mine from middle school. We mentioned how one of common friends of ours that were really close to us has came out as lesbian. My friend said that it shocked her, then made the comment, “I’d freak out if you tell me you’re a lesbian too.”

       Deep down, I really admire what my lesbian friend did. I admire the courage she has while it’s still such a taboo topic in China, though the society is changing so fast so soon.

       There was this app called YikYak, that I once downloaded about two years ago. It’s basically like Quora or Reddit, they are anonymous mini posts but you share it with people that are in your area. And of course, the area I was in is college. I was surprised to see how many posts there is about “Is it just me or somebody else as well have a crush on their roommates?”, “I am really attracted to this girl in my class but I am straight, does that make me bi?”, etc.

       Being born in the 21^st century, I have the privilege to see pride parade and pride month. I have the privilege to see LGBTQ+ flags hanging outside of houses. I have the privilege to see more and more people identify themselves as LGBTQ, hearing the general authorities talk about it, and discuss it in class without people shaming and others embarrassed.

       I have recently watched this show called Transparent. It’s about a family whose father, Mort, who later changed to the name Maura, has come out as transgender while he’s children are all grown adults. The things that family when through is definitely beyond what the father has gone through.

       There’s a quote in that show, it goes like “When one person in family transitions, everyone transitions.” It’s interesting to see the children all are very accepting of their dad’s being a transgender, because they’re born in California, raised non-religious, and young. While Maura’s ex-wife, Maura’s sister, and the older generation of the family have a harder time with it. Later, it turns out all the children weren’t handling their life in an emotionally healthy way because they never realize their mourning for the loss of their father. One of the daughters when into graduate school for gender study. The other cheated on her husband for a woman. And the son has a crush on a transgender woman. They cherished each other; they hated each other. They understood each other, they knew nothing about one another. They laughed together, they cried and no one was with them.

       So maybe there’s more to science in today’s societal trends and family. When we are all exhausted fighting over about “rights”, at the end of the day, a family is still a family, and love is love. 

Thoughts on gender and culture

       When I think about the word “gender”, the first thing that came into my mind is how there’s no women’s name in my family history catalog. Because according to my cultural tradition, after a woman gets married, she belongs to the husband’s family, so naturally, her name wasn’t included in the family history in the first place. And every time when I put names into the temple because we don’t know the name of the wife, we use “blah blah blah’s wife” instead.

       Are our identities as women only being seen as somebody’s wife? Though it is an infinite no in today's society, it is still an intriguing question to ask in the Mormon culture.

       I was raised by a nanny when I was a kid. Both of my parents work while I was in kindergarten and elementary. I remembered there were people questioning my mom whether she should be working while I was still such a young kid. To me, though I wouldn’t have ever known the difference, I don’t feel like being neglect in any ways or in anyways “defected” in my development as a toddler.

       I remembered I was much bossier around my nanny than around my parents. But I did enjoy having a friend outside of the family when I was a kid. Later, my mom quitted her job and became a housewife while I was almost graduating elementary school. And took on the role of taking care of the family and cleaning the house etc.

       But is it really so essential for her to stop pursuing her career and be with her family? Or do people do it only because of guilt that the society has put on them even in the 21^st century?

       After my mom quit her job, she always complains about having nothing to do, being bored, and being useless. By that time, our family has already converted to the church. So, she started doing family history work. And she woke up every day on time to start working on it, do some housework during the day, and work some more before she goes to bed.

       Until one day she found another job and decided she might go back to the working field again. And here’s when something interesting happened.

       A lady in our ward, who is in her 70s, walked up to her and told her that she shouldn’t take the job because she’s in her 40s and she should always put family first, moreover, she should put God first.

       I wonder if it’s a brother in our ward who is in the same shoe as my mother once were, would she have said the same to him? 

My home is the gap between the two countries on the opposite of each other of the tellurion

       It has been the fourth year since I have been the U.S. People ask me all the time, “Where is home for you?” But there’s no easy answer to that question because I have always been wondering the same.  

       I grew up with my two older cousins, Circle and Allan. Allan is similar to my age, and Circle is a few years older than us.

       Allan moved to the U.S. with his family when I was in elementary school because my aunt got remarried to a Texasan. After they moved to Texas, for a while, Allan kept in contact with me. At first, he would tell me his struggles at school, at church, and with friends. Soon, we started to receive photos of him being in the boy scout, competing in the swim meets and hanging out with his new American friends. To him, home is America.

       Circle, on the other hand, didn’t come to the U.S. until college. Now he’s working as an actuary at a high-end company in Dallas. He has a Chinese girlfriend that he met in college, and he mostly hang out with other people from China who had the similar experience as he does. Him, my aunt and uncle, bought a house in Texas a few years after Circle graduated from college. In their house, it’s almost like a Chinese household. They make Chinese food every night at home with ingredients they buy from the Asian Market, while watching Chinese dramas on TV. To him, home is China.

       A few years ago, my aunt had a son and a daughter with my step-uncle. We always called them “the American babies” in the family because they are born and about to be raised here. Alison, who is six years old now, speaks fluent English and would argue with his parents in English when she gets mad. Though my step-uncle is fluent in English, my aunt knows very few English. Alison, on the other hand, speaks few Cantonese and barely any Mandarin. So, Allen, their brother, will always be the translator in the family when my step-uncle is not around.

       Allan, Circle, Alison and I, we are all Chinese living in the U.S. But each one of us have such different experience that have sharped us to become who we are today.

       I came to the U.S. when I was 16. I decided to drop out of high school in China and moved to Oregon by myself. After living in the U.S. for four years, I went back to China for the summer to visit my family.

Most of my friends called me a “foreigner” because I refused to have anything else but spaghetti and McDonald’s the first few weeks I got there, I had a hard time phasing sentences and using the correct grammar when I speak Mandarin, and there’s English accent in my spoken Chinese. But more importantly, I found such a big gap in the ways of thinking and our perception when I communicate with some of my best friends in middle school, who there’s nothing we didn’t tell each other a few years ago when we were going to school together.

When I came back to the State after summer, I am once again, used to being recognize as a “foreigner” here because of my ethnicity. Though it has been a few years since I live here, there’s still a lot of things that differ me from an American. I still have a Chinese accent in my English, struggle to find the right vocabulary when speaking English, and have a rice cooker in my apartment.  

To me, both of them have been my home, but at the same time, neither have. Or maybe the gap in between the two countries on the opposite of each other of the tellurion, that will be where home is for me. 

Some Other Swag Sauce's Blogspots

Sevanna Baird blog URL: https://sevsfamily.blogspot.com

Mick Burningham Blog URL https://mbfamilytoday.blogspot.com

James Richens Blog: https://jamesrichensfamilyrelations.blogspot.com

https://celestehixson.blogspot.com/

Joshua Mataalii URL: https://famalii.blogspot.com/2018/09/little-children-show-you-value-and.html#comment-form

Kallie Slater blog URL: https://kfamilyrelations.blogspot.com

Rachel Romrell's blog URL: https://hints4happyhomes.blogspot.com

Megan Smoot's Blog URL:  https://mdsfamilyrelations.weebly.com

https://hopesfamilyrelationsblog.blogspot.com/

http://leavinittobeaver.blogspot.com/2018/09/introducing-me.html

Abbie Jensen Blog https://abbijense.blogspot.com/

https://ontheinsideofbekah.blogspot.com/

Familiesintoday.blogspot.com

wildefamilyrelations.blogspot.com

https://marriagemajormusings.weebly.com

http://hrwfamlrelation.blogspot.com/

https://beccafam160.wordpress.com/

https://cordova-familiamatters.blogspot.com/

Torie O'Meara blog https://whoseyourfamily.blogspot.com/

Sydney Richens blog http://sydneyrichens.blogspot.com/

Lauren Steed Blog URL: https://laurensfamilythoughts.blogspot.com/

Monique-Sue du Plessis myfamilybolgspace.blogspot.com

Hannah Daley https://amodernfamilylife.blogspot.com/

https://ontheinsideofbekah.blogspot.com/ 
https://smfamilyrelationstopics.blogspot.com